Realizations

I cried during my phone conversation with the beau yesterday night. I even kept on crying like a madwoman after we hung up. But suddenly, at midnight, I stopped with the whining. I made myself some black tea with milk and came to my room to write my thoughts on paper.

Have you ever thought that your dreams are holding you back? Not that something else is holding you back from your dreams; the other way around. Well, I'm quite sure this is what's been happening to me. My dreams of studying abroad.

I went to a private English school, and some of the students go abroad for their undergraduate studies. I was a top student, so people implanted me the idea that I had to do the same. But my family, unlike other families who had their kids in my school, had big financial issues. My mother told me I wasn't ready, so I didn't go.

I've kept on comparing myself to other people who managed to go abroad and felt shit. My friend Bruno who studies in Columbia, my friend Alex who went to UCL, David that went to Yale, etc. Then I went to the UK and saw all the awesome stuff that was just like it'd been described to me. And I came back home and hated it. I hated the weather, most of the people, the lack of forests, the lack of presence of people from other countries (afterall, I was comparing Lima to NYC and London, c'mon!), the awful education system and all.

I have cried because of this. I just couldn't accept my reality when I had seen a bit of the outer world. I hated not having enough money. I hated already being at uni now. All therapy and all medication were not enough to make me like my "now", my present life. And I've just become more overwhelmed with uni because I know that I have to excel at my studies if I want to go do my masters abroad, with a scholarship. I don't even like my career, how can I make myself study harder if I can barely handle getting out of bed, it's so horrible living where I live?

So this is it. It's that impossible dream that is holding me back. Maybe it can work for other people. But, for me, it has made me absolutely despise my present. And my mind won't handle 3 more years of misery. My ED behaviours will persist if I don't let go. I have to let go of "the UK". I have finally realized that I need to find things I like right here in order to be happy. That I don't have to make an effort for uni. Excelling academically doesn't determine my self-worth anymore because I don't need great grades to accomplish my plans: I just need to pass my classes at uni. I don't need to the among the best.

Mind you, I still dream about living somewhere else. But I'm going to see if some opportunities show themselves when I'm done studying, even if I rank in the lower-tier. I can't handle the pressure of: "Hey, you could go to Switzerland for an internship if you get X grades this semester". No thank you, I don't want to set myself academic goals any longer. I need happy goals.