A puño y letra

I'm tired.

2012-01-11T00:05:00.002-05:00

I'm tired of being
stuck
in the same way
as I've always been
and pretending I'm
as good as I can be.

I'm tired of being
jealous
of all the people
who've worked
hard
to be where
they are now.

Whereas
I am still
in the same place
that I was
at
before.

What she wanted.

2011-12-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

Sobbing uncontrollably, mumbling words he couldn't understand. And that pissed her off even more. That he wasn't a mind reader, that he didn't understand she wanted to be with him most of the time. The hell with the status quo, she wanted him right there, penetrating her in that street without anyone being outraged because life is an orgy and let's do as we please. But she did not dare say these things because she knew she was being unreasonable. Because, according to him, she wasn't making sense, so please, could you repeat what you just said?

And here she was, still a mess, even after all this time. Her eyes puffy due to the tears and her clothes completely soaked. The voice in the back of her head was whispering: "You don't want to be safe and calm. You want spontaneity, to be amazed everyday by wonderful things, even if you feel triggered. You want to be pushed further. You don't want to be like this, in this abhorring calmness".

They were wonderful together. A lovely couple, really. All of their friends were jealous of them, the never ending laughter and smiles. But she'd always sought adventure. She was not satisfied, even though they had everything that you ought to have. She was falling back to where she once was. The "bad stuff" had been stored away temporarily, but it was still in there somewhere, forcing its way out.

Why couldn't he read her mind?

I'll love you forever

2011-12-02T16:58:00.001-05:00

He hugged her, lifting her off the ground. She looked flawless, all recovered and sobered up.
She smiled.
"Think of me. I may come back someday."
She touched his right cheek, and he started to cry.
"Think of the mild rain that is falling right now. Remember everything we had."

"What is it? What's wrong?" He tried to pull up his pants but she kept on pulling them down. "Please, stop it. Stop it, now!" He grabbed her wrists. She groaned. "...Tell me what's wrong."

"Can you fuck me already so we can be done with this?"
He instantly let go and looked straight into her eyes, baffled.

"...Is this all it is for you? Objectifying yourself? We used to make love. What is this?"
She didn't reply.
"Sarah, look at me, please."
Pause. She kept staring at the ceiling.
"Look. At. Me."

"What?", she snapped back, ever so cross.

They gazed at each other for a minute. He then switched off the lamp and lay in the opposite direction. Talking about it would be pointless. She couldn't talk it out.

He kept on crying.
"You can't leave... Please, don't".
"I have to. It's my dream", she replied, brushing off one his tears with her finger. "You knew from the start that I'd go with or without you".
She put her arms around him and touched his nose with hers.

That day, he was frightened. She had that guilty stare on her face. The stare that meant trouble. "Honey, what is it?" Pause. "...Tell me, what is it? Is everything okay?"
"I think you ought to know I'm leaving this weekend."
Pause.
"...That's in three days."
"I know."
"...Where are you going?", but he knew the answer already.
"Where I've always wanted to be."

He leaned to kiss her, but she swayed, so his lips brushed her cheek.
"Please-don't-go."
"My mum is coming back in an hour to take me to the airport."
"Please-don't-go."
She sighed, detaching herself from his body. Her voice was fast-paced:
"I'm all packed up! I don't know how it'll be when I get there, I'll stay in the city for a couple of days, hopefully meet up with some of my old friends-"
"Take me with you."
She stopped talking.

It was breaking dawn. He yawned and moved to the other side. His stretched arm felt a pillow. It was cold.
She wasn't there.

"Sarah?"
He could hear her giggling.
"Sarah, what are you...", he half-mumbled, trying to see her.

"I'm in the bathroom. Don't you dare open the door. I'm warning you!"

He laughed.
"Oh, it's gonna be all stinky and disgusting-"

"Shut your face!"

The water was running, and he saw her silhouette near him a few seconds after, the giggles getting stronger.

"I..."

"What?", she asked, laying on her side of the bed.

"I can feel you smiling...", he scratched his head, half-asleep. "...Wait. I'm feeling something on my cheek... Oh-oh, not the neck, not the neck, it tickles!"

The never ending giggles embraced him once more.

She was staring at him, again, while he sobbed. The seconds passed. The wind wasn't blowing. She kept on staring.
"...You know I can't stay. The ticket is already paid, so it's impossible for me to delay the flight. My mum is gonna be pissed, she's already miserable because I'm leaving her, please don't be like that too!" She then clasped her hands around his and squeezed them. Her fingers were ice-cold. "Please lie and tell me you'll be okay, please say that you're fine..." The rain was getting heavier. Still no wind. "Sweets, please, say something!"

He stopped crying.
"I can't lie to you."

"Then tell me anything. Anything."

"...I'll love you forever".

"Guilt"

2011-12-01T14:38:00.001-05:00

Perpetually sick.
Even after all the promises.
After all the help you've received.

You do it to yourself.
And that's what really-really hurts.
You can't deal with the world.
Even though most people are doing far worse.

You'll always make yourself the victim
out of any situation.
And you can't win
when you're dealing with yourself.

Lima

2011-12-01T14:33:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I think my boyfriend is the only reason why I tolerate Lima. If I break up with him, nothing else will keep me grounded. My escapism will take over.

I like planning our getaways, walking with him, eating in nice places (I was gonna say "eating cheese on toast" but I'm afraid not many people would understand) I can't take my eyes off him, because I refuse to see the city. My room is my sanctuary (where I can be all smelly, whiny, teary-eyed and procrastinate in peace). Everywhere else is unbearable. The slums, the ugly houses, the Baroque churches, the clothes and body shapes of most people, the fact that my clothes don't fit properly anymore... My neverending nightmare.

I want tress. I want less pollution. I want to talk in English without feeling alienated. I want to transport my bedroom someplace else. And study what I want.

2011-11-15T15:50:00.001-05:00

"La monotonía de la existencia adulta siempre me había dado lástima; cuando me di cuenta de que, en un breve plazo, ése sería mi destino, la angustia se apoderó de mí".

"¿Cometía una falta? En un sentido no, y sin embargo las palabras de mi padre me roían tanto que me sentía a la vez irreprochable y monstruosa. (...) Sin embargo, mis padres conservaron el poder de hacer de mí una culpable; yo aceptaba sus veredictos viéndome al mismo tiempo en otros ojos que los de ellos."

Simon de Beauvoir - "Memorias de una joven formal"

Eat that up, it's good for you (lyrics) - TDCC

2011-11-09T14:44:00.002-05:00

You would look a little better
Don't you know
If you just wore less make-up
But it's hard to realise
When you're sky high
Fighting off the spaceships

And so you're drinking in your room
To make it all go
It didn't end too soon
You've got the next one
You're holding on too long
You've got to let go
Your other love is gone
And you know
It's too late
It's too late
You've got another one coming
And it's going to be the same

The man who made love with his socks on

2011-11-03T13:56:00.001-05:00

He liked to stare at my feet
He liked to take my socks off.

And I know there are plenty of men out there.
But it's quite curious how they like women's feet
Yet they don't take their own socks off.
It's a mysterious part of the ritual.

It's not that complicated.

2011-11-03T13:52:00.001-05:00

He wrapped his arms around her.
He smelled her hair. It had the smell of shampoo.
He run his fingers through them.
She was deeply asleep, so she didn't notice.
And it felt so soft. There were no knots,
no imperfections.

He wondered if her mind was active at that moment,
or maybe it was blank.

From the outside, she looked so perfect. So simple to understand.
There were no complications; no dirty spots or knots in her hair.
She was just sleeping.
She wasn't having nightmares (he hoped, of course).

But, what more is there to it? He had found a lovely girl,
a girl who liked his music, a girl who was very pretty.
But was there something else besides that?

Before, he had been subject to different cycles of love
He had been trying to find ways,
trying to help... her.

But now he was with this woman whom, so far, hadn't given him any problems.
She was so peaceful. Maybe it was just what he needed.
He needed a break; someone he could be calm with.
Someone who didn't offer problems
and made things more complicated just because.

But he couldn't feel full. He felt a bit empty, a void.
The void of all those extra complications,
and obliterations.
Maybe it wasn't enough for him.
Or maybe it was.

He had become so used to being all over someone else,
thinking about that person the whole time,
trying to solve her problems.
And now he had finally found peace.
He had to learn to live with it.

These eyes

2011-10-26T15:14:00.002-05:00

They're glowing red eyes.

"Latina"

2011-10-15T18:24:00.002-05:00

I identify myself with that label much more than Peruvian. I do not adore ALL aspects of South America, but I do love some parts of it. I really like Central America as well, even if I’ve only been there twice.

But Peruvian? No, please don’t label me like that. Peruvian history before the Spaniards is awesome, I’ll give you that (the Incas and Machu Picchu ftw), but afterwards… It’s all effed up. I do not like Peruvian food that much, even though most Peruvians will tell you it’s amaaazing, the best thing you will ever try. I don’t like it partly because it hurts my tummy, it is too creamy and spicy for me to handle. But food is cheap here, so that’s good!

The way people behave on the streets is simply too annoying. I am very tall compared to other women, so I immediately stand out. Lima is supposed to be a “big” city, but people do not ignore you on the streets like in other major cities. Instead, they scan you all over. It is an incredibly hostile environment, except when you are indoors.

The education system is shit, even at university level. The government is shit, the democratic system has managed to eff things up. My fellow Peruvians’ system of beliefs is SHIT (very conservative while I’m ultra liberal), oh and the landscape! I do not like it, no, except the portion of Peru that has the Amazon jungle. I do not like the Andes because it’s too rocky and I don’t like the coast because it’s basically a desert. I like green stuff, I adore forests, and there’s none of that here :(.

So yeah, if you ever mention me in a conversation, I’m your Hispanic or Latina friend or I’m your-very-alienated-Peruvian friend :P

Thanks for reading my rant!

Realizations

2011-10-13T06:31:00.004-05:00

I cried during my phone conversation with the beau yesterday night. I even kept on crying like a madwoman after we hung up. But suddenly, at midnight, I stopped with the whining. I made myself some black tea with milk and came to my room to write my thoughts on paper.

Have you ever thought that your dreams are holding you back? Not that something else is holding you back from your dreams; the other way around. Well, I'm quite sure this is what's been happening to me. My dreams of studying abroad.

I went to a private English school, and some of the students go abroad for their undergraduate studies. I was a top student, so people implanted me the idea that I had to do the same. But my family, unlike other families who had their kids in my school, had big financial issues. My mother told me I wasn't ready, so I didn't go.

I've kept on comparing myself to other people who managed to go abroad and felt shit. My friend Bruno who studies in Columbia, my friend Alex who went to UCL, David that went to Yale, etc. Then I went to the UK and saw all the awesome stuff that was just like it'd been described to me. And I came back home and hated it. I hated the weather, most of the people, the lack of forests, the lack of presence of people from other countries (afterall, I was comparing Lima to NYC and London, c'mon!), the awful education system and all.

I have cried because of this. I just couldn't accept my reality when I had seen a bit of the outer world. I hated not having enough money. I hated already being at uni now. All therapy and all medication were not enough to make me like my "now", my present life. And I've just become more overwhelmed with uni because I know that I have to excel at my studies if I want to go do my masters abroad, with a scholarship. I don't even like my career, how can I make myself study harder if I can barely handle getting out of bed, it's so horrible living where I live?

So this is it. It's that impossible dream that is holding me back. Maybe it can work for other people. But, for me, it has made me absolutely despise my present. And my mind won't handle 3 more years of misery. My ED behaviours will persist if I don't let go. I have to let go of "the UK". I have finally realized that I need to find things I like right here in order to be happy. That I don't have to make an effort for uni. Excelling academically doesn't determine my self-worth anymore because I don't need great grades to accomplish my plans: I just need to pass my classes at uni. I don't need to the among the best.

Mind you, I still dream about living somewhere else. But I'm going to see if some opportunities show themselves when I'm done studying, even if I rank in the lower-tier. I can't handle the pressure of: "Hey, you could go to Switzerland for an internship if you get X grades this semester". No thank you, I don't want to set myself academic goals any longer. I need happy goals.

Two Door Cinema Club

2011-10-13T06:09:00.000-05:00

Such an amazing indie rock band from Ireland. I'm hooked. If you like that kind of music, make sure you listen to a couple of songs from them. I'm digging "What you know", "Eat that up, it's good for you" and "Something good can work".
You're welcome :P

inkling

2011-10-12T18:40:00.001-05:00

Is it how it's gonna be for us?
Will I always be the one waiting for you to come home
Will you be eternally busy
unable to have a proper talk?

Are we good enough
as for me to settle
with you?

Muse

2011-10-03T17:39:00.001-05:00

Will you write about me?
Will I be your muse?
When you're writing about your whole life
Will you describe my persona
or just mention me as an irrelevant detail?

Have I been interesting enough?
Was I able to distract you from yourself?

I wish you read this
and realized
this is about you.

Lovers

2011-09-29T18:38:00.002-05:00

I always thought love was that feeling you get when you see this one person who can do the unexpected. Someone who is spontaneous. Someone who is full of surprises for you. It gets under your skin.
But I know that there is love that is comfortable. A kind of love that you like, that makes you feel safe and is not as exciting, but offers you stability. A sort of balance. A kind of love that serves the purpose of the "Happily ever after" and not the "Whole weekend in bed, with scars" kind of thing.
These types of love are quite different. I don't know if one is better than the other. I would disagree if someone says one lasts more than the other. I think both can work.
At some point in life, you have to compromise. Give up your expectations of that burning passion for something that makes you saner, that offers you protection. It doesn't drive you crazy, but it makes you smile often.

That's how I see it. How about you?

PS: I know this is badly written. I apologize. I couldn't think of the precise words in English for this particular text.

Scarce knowledge on the topic of "love"

2011-09-26T22:16:00.000-05:00

It's quite complicated, this thing about love. Even if you are happy whenever you are around him or her.

What if you are too needy? What if you always need someone to take care of you all the time? Are you doing the right things?

All this questioning inside your head, trying to find a problem in your relationship. That maybe he loves you more than you love him, that maybe you are together because you need him more than he needs you, that maybe you are hurting her so badly and you won't realize it until it all ends...

All I ask for is peace from the mess inside my head. But even when I'm completely in love with someone, I'm still thinking. Your mind can try and distract itself by watching a TV show or surfing the net, but your subconscious will always disturb your apparent calmness.

It's. All. So. Complicated.

You always wish things were different. That you could stay for the night without feeling uncomfortable (for various reasons). That you could just let go and get rid of all your problems.

Love can't solve everything. It makes you happy, which is helpful, but it isn't a solution for any internal feuds you have. End of story.

Young love

2011-09-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

Is a sweet thing
It's a journey of discovery
With a lack of expectations.

You can't get enough of each other
You refuse to let go
What if today is the last?

Irreplaceable
The best thing you've ever had.

Can you get enough of this -
this bliss,
this temporary pause in your life?

You've forgotten how to live alone

2011-09-16T14:38:00.004-05:00

and when (s)he’s gone,
you’ll feel the void.
you’ll feel lonely again.
because you never learned
to cope with you and
your so-called problems by yourself.

you won’t have anything
to do (for granted) every night.
you won’t have someone you can
share your frustrations with.
you won’t have someone
you can hug whenever you
feel like it.

you won’t know what to do.

you’ll do nothing at all.

Insomnia

2011-09-05T01:07:00.000-05:00

Depression strikes hard, again.

Right now, I don't want to get out of the house. I wanna purge all my problems away, but I can't.
Right now, I don't wanna go to uni tomorrow. I don't wanna do my readings. I know I have to do them because I have exams in the next 10 days, but I can't bring myself to it.

I want to be able to hide without my mother or my maid trying to get me out of this funk. I want them to stop caring so I can just waste away for a few days.

I don't feel like doing anything. Well, right now I would like to sleep, but my lack of physical activity and my whacked up eating habits don't allow me to do as I wish, for now.

I actually don't have that much time to "think" about stuff like this. I'm actually "busy" with all the volunteering paperwork and a pile of readings for uni. I should be worrying about my dog because she's gonna undergo surgery on her ears. I should be thinking about spending family time with my mother that won't result in a fight.

But all I can do at the moment is my lack of will. For anything. At all.

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

2011-09-04T23:24:00.002-05:00

Come on skinny love, just last the year...
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
And I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love [me]?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Pity party

2011-09-04T18:37:00.002-05:00

I tried really hard to win your heart.
One little message every day, a nice chat
But you never cared enough about other people
You only thought about yourself.

Couldn't you figure out I needed you?
Or at least you as in 'someone to talk to'
I thought you would relate.
I guess you thought I wasn't old enough, yet.

I'm not angry at you
I don't want you back
I just pity that you don't feel blessed
For the life you have.

You've made me weak

2011-08-27T15:29:00.000-05:00

So says Effy to Freddy on Skins, season 4.

She needs to sort out her priorities

2011-08-26T23:37:00.001-05:00

I remember when my main priority was studying in order to apply abroad and study at an Ivy League. When I would sit alone in the dark and get anxious over procrastination. When that was my main worry, all the time.

Then the eating disorder creped in and practically eliminated all my academic worries. My main concerns in life are now food, my increasingly fat body and my belly distension. University is just a small portion of stress in my daily life, it’s lost all its sparkle. I no longer ponder about my future. I just resort to binge eating whenever I’m anxious. I only worry about my body and my fat.

My desires of grandeur are non-existent now. I no longer read for pleasure. I lament about my lack of exercise, how the binges numb me and how my mum will react whenever I eat her food.

Change is good, people have told me (my therapist has, at least). However, these distorted priorities will get me nowhere. And I ain’t entirely sure if I want overachieving Victoria to come back, either. Hell, I want to live in the UK, but do I wanna study there? I just want to travel, but with what purpose? What’s my final destination? (Besides death, of course).

What the fuck do I want?

Huelo a ti.

2011-08-12T10:07:00.001-05:00

Who will stay

2011-08-09T22:01:00.001-05:00

But who will be there to pick up the pieces
when you're gone.
When I'm broken and no one understands why.
When I feel numb and I'm blamed for my lack of will.
When I want to stop fighting altogether.
Who will be there to build me up again?

When I cry, they will hit me
and I will look for you
but you'll be gone
and I'll give up.
(On me, not you.)

(S)he won't go - Adele

2011-08-04T08:15:00.000-05:00

Will (s)he... will (s)he still remember me?
Will (s)he still love me even when (s)he's free?
Or will (s)he go back to the place where (s)he would choose the poison over me?

I won't leave you when I beat the addiction. I will probably love you more because you saw me when I didn't feel strong enough to survive this.

To be completed

2011-07-25T13:23:00.000-05:00

'Cos it was oh so lovely
when we were kids
and we played boyfriend and girlfriend
Kiss, kiss, I love you
Kiss, kiss, forever.

'Cos when we were kids
it felt easy,
we felt powerful,
we felt guarded.

The greatest irony of love

2011-07-22T08:01:00.001-05:00

The greatest irony of love. “The greatest irony of love; loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. And sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for passing time while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here’s a piece of advice; let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before. For surely there is someone out there who will love you even more.

Source: http://eletheowl.tumblr.com/

Hope

2011-07-08T06:49:00.000-05:00

Every night, I have a sense of hopelessness that I can't control. If it isn't related to my eating, it's my hair. All I know is I can't control it.
The next day, hope comes back, I feel brave enough to face the day (usually). I get out of bed and try to change things. But that willing starts wearing out, either by comments from other people or what I feel about myself, and I end up hopeless again, in a never ending cycle of optimism versus pessimism.
I want to go to bed someday feeling okay with myself.

Hug me

2011-07-08T00:15:00.001-05:00

Untitled, a photo by Amber Marie Chavez on Flickr.

I want to forget everything. I don't want to feel my body: my flesh, my mouth, my bowels...
Please hold me so I can feel safe. I don't want to feel guilty about not being who she hopes I will be someday. Or what I hope I will be as well.
Hug me so I can let time pass without noticing. Without bad thoughts haunting me.
I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable with myself. With my hair. With my waist. My legs. My tummy, especially. My brain.
Just hug me, please.

It was too late

2011-07-03T18:08:00.000-05:00

When you came back.

But it's alright,
At the end, I'm the one
doing it
to herself.

And you're no Chris Martin,
even though you try
you won't be able to fix me.

The end of a shortlong journey

2011-06-26T02:17:00.001-05:00

In around 30 hours I will take my first final exam after a year. It's a subject in which I'm not doing so well, and the final exam equates to a large percentage of the overall mark. Thus, I have to do really well. Tomorrow I'm supposed to finish studying for it. But first, I'm gonna go volunteering in around 6 hours. And I have to study, wah D: Next week I have another final exam and I also have to present a 8 page long essay for another class.

So yeah. Finals. This is the end of the semester. My first semester back at uni. In two months I'll start the new semester with a regular number of subjects and, hopefully, I'll do well. I'm just a teeny weeny bit stressed, that's all.

I just thought I'd update you about my life because I haven't done that in a while, like my good old friend Ash told me. I was talking to him while listening to Priscilla's "Are we different". Imo, it's a song about change. And it pretty much sums up the recent chat I had with Ash.

Hope you like it :)

ViCtoria~

Time flies

2011-06-24T15:35:00.002-05:00

He got home. He was tired. It was rather tiresome, actually, brainstorming and relating to others and having to sit down even though his impulses told him he had to move, flee somewhere, and fast.
And she was there. Like she always was. Waiting.

"You don't know how it's been today", she started. "I was actually going to phone you, but I know how busy you are sometimes, so I preferred to wait..."

It'd been a really bad day, if you did the maths. He had had to fire two employees, one of them because he was really lousy in his area, and the other one for some past precedents. But he was a brilliant bloke, he really was. And blimey, there were the debts that he had to pay, he remembered. He'd wanted to pay them at home. And he was now home, so he'd better do it. And soon.

"...I think I was just missing you, that's all. You know? I mean, it's been so long since we went out to a café and just laughed at whatever silly thing we could think of. Like when we were young."

He stood up and reached the laptop, in the corner of the room, while she kept on talking. She was still talking. She went near him, while he placed his laptop's password. Bloody machine, it wasn't working properly, he had to get it fixed.

"Then I fell ill... You know how that is", she continued. "And then I was really missing you. I felt so, so bad... That's why I rang, but you didn't answer... I understand, though..."

"Can't you realize I have other things to do? I can't always be pending on you and seeing if you're okay!"

"I thought you came back home late because you were free from work for tonight at least..."

"No, I ain't free. Learn to deal with yourself already. I can't keep on picking you up whenever you're sad", the last sentence was said while he raised his voice. He took his laptop and charger, went back to his car, somewhere else.

And left her alone. Again.

DCD4 - The Ice Is Getting Thinner (lyrics)

2011-06-17T12:21:00.002-05:00

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be
The seasons have changed and so have we
There was little we could say and even less that we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you

We buried our love in the wintery grave
A lump in the snow was all that remained
But we stayed by its side, as the days turned to weeks
And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak

When the spring arrived, we were taken by surprise
When the flows under our feet bled into the sea
And nothing was left for you and me

We're not the same dear and it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go with nothing underneath
Then it saddens me to say what we both knew was true
That the ice was getting thinner under me and you

The ice was getting thinner under me and you...

Woods

2011-06-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

She knelt down and touched the soil with her fingers: it was moist ‘cos it had rained a bit the night before.
It looked beautiful out there. It was green everywhere. It was peaceful.
And she started running like mad, trying to restore some peace in her downtrodden heart.

(Yes I have an obsession with running in the woods.
Why aren’t there any fucking woods in Lima?!)

Again

2011-06-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

I went abroad and fell in love.

I remembered what I dreamed of when I lived without you.

You will feel the same things again, soon.
You will forget what it felt to touch the tip of my nose.

That's what I'm feeling right now, again.
It's uncertain but it makes me feel alive, again.

I don't know where I'm heading, now.
I wake up in a new place each day.

And I want you to feel okay as well.

So I'm writing to you to let you know I'm fine.

I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.

Don't take it for granted

2011-06-15T13:21:00.000-05:00

The first encounters are the sweetest.
You don't know what to do, exactly.
"Is it the right time to lean forward?",
you ask yourself.
"What do you want me to say?".

That first moment when your hands clasp,
when you look at each other's eyes after a long kiss,
and you giggle uncontrollably, not knowing what to say.

It's all very unnatural,
so very surreal.

Then it becomes normal,
something you have to do.
My advice is the one above.

They already knew

2011-06-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

How he left her, one cold day at the middle of the year.
Things must be this way, they should follow different paths.
You've grown apart and he encourages you to seek other ventures.
And he leaves you his umbrella 'cos it's starting to rain.

Did this mean so little to you
that you'd rather not try?
I let you know everything about me
Every little corner, even the messy bits.

She walked away, her pulse slowing down
She was running now, but it wasn't speeding up
Even though she was crying now
Shouting at the man who ripped her heart.

It must be boring being you

2011-06-09T23:55:00.000-05:00

Being so simple. It must really suck, girl.
Only thinking about boys and partying and boys.
It must be so pathetic being you, suffering for little things.
Saying "Oh, this ice cream is making me fat" or "I liked him better because he was like this, now I'm sad 'cos he's not him".
Gosh.
It really must suck being you.

Future

2011-05-27T18:53:00.000-05:00

I had a friend who really cared about me.
I never understood why he did, exactly.
Because I'm not worth it.

Carcomida

2011-05-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Siente las contracciones de tus intestinos, la rajadura en tu estómago, la redondez de tu vientre. Siente los puntos sobre tu nariz grasienta, los huecos en tu cuero cabelludo por los pelos que te has sacado y las frustraciones que has marcado en tus brazos.

Casi no puedes sentir, excepto ese olor fuerte a comida que te queda en los dedos todo el día, a toda hora. No puedes bañarte sin sentirte una miseria que no anda.

Miras el empaque de la quinta pastilla para tomar en el día. Toda plateada, brillosa. Y te la tomas, porque ya estás acostumbrada. A no sentir. A evadirte. A hacer lo que te digan.

Ya no puedo conmigo, por favor sáquenme de aquí.

Sleep

2011-04-22T19:16:00.000-05:00

It's kind of weird
Missing you.

Sitting here, stuffed.
Letting time pass.
Not eager to stay awake.

There's nothing to expect.
I just want to sleep.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.

I'm afraid I may fall, again.
I don't feel so strong when I'm alone.
I don't feel hopeful anymore.

I just want to sleep.
(And never wake up).

"We" won't ever happen

2011-04-19T13:54:00.002-05:00

It really isn't over. You might change. And I will change, as well.
Maybe you won't look at me in the same way anymore. Maybe you'll tell me you want to be with me, forever.
But how will it work? What will you do for a living? Heck, what will I do for a living? How will we survive? Will we still depend on our parents? I'm gonna have to take care of you. Will our love last?
But then again, it's imaginary love. 'Cos I've only seen you (properly) once. And you never loved me.
I think I'm a masochist. I really want to suffer, thinking about you. You barely think about me. You only think about yourself (Truth. Sorry if it hurts).

I need you to understand

2011-03-23T09:32:00.000-05:00

And I will cry at you
And I will need you too much
I'll be calling you too often
Asking for a hug

I'll tear you apart
Then beg for something more
I will frustrate you
and make you feel guilty
While feeling guilty myself

And then I'll pretend
I don't get
why
you break up with me.

Stylish Blogger Awards

2011-02-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

Noory Noor gave me this award! She's the sweetest :D Thank you so much! This is her blog: CLICK

Rules:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 5 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

1- I don't like to define myself by my depression or my eating disorder, but that's what most people find relevant.
2- I'm a really good listener.
3- I'm an Anglophile! I love tea, I watch lots of British TV series and I want to be with a sexy Scottish guy (I looove their accent).
4- I like to stay in my comfort zone, whether I like to admit it or not. Like, I think I've re-read a few books more times than read new ones.
5- I'm extreeemely self-centered!
6- I heart the Internet. I've met amazing people, found amazing organizations, shared ideas with so many cyber lovers... It's just incredible.
7- I have a secret Tumblr. But I'll never share the link. Muahaha. (?)

I hereby announce the award winners:
Atti. It's all in Italian, I know, I know, but there's a reason for Google Translator's existence! He writes amazingly well in his mother tongue.

Male. She always finds the time to write about important things, especially things going on in Latin America, and she's a great friend offline! (As well as Twitter, ahah!)

I really don't know who else to link. I may edit this post in a few days. But for now, thank you!

I know...

2011-02-14T11:37:00.001-05:00

I ain’t the brightest
I can’t control myself at times
I have mental problems
And… stuff like that.

I’m also aware that…

I’m too dramatic
I’m self-centered
And I like to isolate myself,
sometimes.

But…

There’s nothing good
that’ll come out
of this poem’s ending
‘cos I’m an ass.

Boo you

2011-02-01T14:55:00.000-05:00

Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, Youtube, Tumblr, Megavideo...

Without'em, I would be crying about the fact that you're no longer listed as single.

Silly me, I know. Silly me.

I should be more worried about the therapy session I'm having tonight (with my mum include, FML!), but no, I have to think about you.

I can't even read "Tropic of Cancer" because I'm thinking about you.

I can't even think about work because I'm too tired of focusing my mind on you.

Boo.

You.

I wish I were...

2011-01-25T21:07:00.000-05:00

...As pretty as you.

And it must be pathetic

2011-01-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

Reading my silly life updates
When you never liked me that much
And you never cared about my life

I know I said I wasn't looking for anything
when I tried to be friendly

But secretly
I was hoping
You'd be interested in my life

Clearly you aren't.

I hate you

2011-01-24T23:25:00.001-05:00

...You never call.

If I had the money

2011-01-20T15:26:00.002-05:00

I would leave this fucking rat hole
and travel all around
then I'd settle down in the UK
and study something (probably Sociology)
then I'd keep on travelling for a while
New York, London, Bristol, Sydney, Bangalore, Oman, Capetown, everything
just everything

I'd take piano lessons
and singing lessons
and surfing lessons
even skiing lessons (again)

I would buy pretty clothes
and dance a lot of ballet
and swim early in the morning
and look gorgeous

I would have a dog and a cat
in a little apartment
full of stuff
from my travels.
Where?
I'm not sure yet
But I'm guessing...
Broadway Av, Manhattan, New York!

Then, when I grow tired of running
I'd settle down and read a bit (maybe)
and organize my travel blog

It'd be oh so fun
if I had the money,
but I don't.

A.

2011-01-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to tell you directly
Because it'd probably be too freakish for you
Maybe you're still reading this blog
maybe you're not.

BUT...
I don't like you anymore.
I mean, you're an amazing person, that's for sure
It's not easy for me to remember people
but clearly (CLEARLY), I remember you

I just don't like/love you anymore.
Which is good, right?
You can stop writing to me as if you were scared of an exploding bomb
'Cos it ain't happening anymore
(I love that word. Anymore.)

How did this amazing change take place?
Well I don't know
Maybe my ED thoughts have consumed me even more
Or maybe I just realized it was fantasy all along

It's not my fault being a romantic.
You know, deeeep inside of me
I think that love or talk at first sight exists
And now I realize that, in our case, I was wrong.

I still want to be friends with you, of course
Probably more than you want to befriend me (boo).
I think you'd probably understand what I'm going through
And give me advice as if I were your "little friend".

So... Just letting you know!
I hope you read this
But if you don't
You won't!

Sincerely,
Careless Victoria

ye

2011-01-19T20:53:00.002-05:00

I've reached a point (again)
where I've lost all hope.

Apathy

2011-01-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

Lack of emotions. Brilliant.

Little things that make me a bit happier throughout the day:
-Watching Youtube vloggers
-Some casual foreplay
-Feeling my stomach empty (aaaah, it's so amazing...)

...I don't know what else, as of now.

Shit happens

2011-01-16T18:19:00.000-05:00

It's hard...
Knowing that all the men in your life
don't really care about you.

Really.

I could point out their names,
but I won't.

And it was hard,
reading that message
and noticing how you didn't try to contact me
while you were gone.

...Anyway.

Drink your tea

2011-01-12T13:28:00.001-05:00

Drink your tea slowly and reverently,
as if it is the axis
on which the world earth revolves
- slowly, evenly, without
rushing toward the future;
Live the actual moment.
Only this moment is life.

- Thich Nhat Hahn

PS: I just love tea too much!!!

Lima, you're bringing me down

2011-01-04T16:58:00.000-05:00

This song pretty much summarizes how I've been feeling these past two weeks.

Peace.

Freaking out

2011-01-02T13:46:00.001-05:00

In a good way, I think.

I'm telling myself how hard it's gonna be, instead of thinking about how awesome it might turn out to be. How easily I'll move around the office and stuff.

I'm still thinking about you, yes, in that quite obsessive way of mine.

I'm thinking about chai tea with milk.

I'm thinking about my best friend and how long it's taking for him to come back home.

I'm thinking about how easily I can get bored at home.

Above all, I'm thinking about work and you.

-V

Exijo una explicación

2010-12-31T15:36:00.000-05:00

Porque sé que me lees
cuando te da el tiempo
cuando no estás tomando café
o pensando en las musarañas.

Exijo saber qué pasó
si fue algo que leíste
o si simplemente es el hecho de ser yo
y por mi locura.

Aunque no quiera
aún te imagino en la esquina
waving at me.

Es como si no existiesen otras cosas en mi vida
más que ese par de raras ocasiones
en las que te vi.

Ni a cocachos aprendí

2010-12-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

No puedo conmigo.
Con mi cuerpo
ni mi alma
ni los hombres
ni las madres

Exploto
soy un globo
lleno de aire

Imploto
lloro
me golpeo la cabeza.

No puedo conmigo.
No puedo.

madrugada

2010-12-28T05:44:00.000-05:00

Empujo la puerta
¿ya despertaste?

Doy vueltas por la casa
Entro a la cocina
¿Ya despertaste?

-Despierta, despierta,
pienso desesperada-,
despierta, despierta.

No puedo esperar,
quizá 20 minutos
pero no más.

Despierta, despierta, amor.

Flesh

2010-12-26T09:59:00.003-05:00

I'm done waiting

2010-12-25T22:50:00.004-05:00

We're through

Even though nothing ever happened

We're through

You always do me wrong

I can't wait for you no more.

But then again,

did you ever want me there?

...Bye.

* * *

Go on

be happy

isn't this what you wanted?

Sin muñeca, pero vestida

2010-12-24T19:59:00.002-05:00

Con su ropa más linda esperaba

en la parada

pero nunca llegaba.

"Ya llega, ya llega"

Se decía inútilmente

todos los días

sonriente.

Poquito a poco

el tul se hizo pedazos

se le cayeron los lazos

No llegaba.

Y un día en el que decidió,

desprevenida,

dejar de esperar

y cambiarse

llego él.

Fue directo hacia ella

y la besó.

Su arrebato fue tal

que se despegó

dio vuelta atrás

y desapareció.

"Tarde.

Demasiado tarde"

Se quejó.

alivio (escrito)

2010-12-23T22:43:00.002-05:00

y, así, me debo olvidar de ti

ya no puedo depender de ti.

Ya no estás

y estoy sola

Armando mi rompecabezas

Pensando en las musarañas

Pero ya sin verte.

Estoy segura que te sientes más libre

ya no te acoso

ya no te pido fuerzas

que apenas tienes.

Disculpa mi caligrafía,

las manos me tiemblan

porque estoy un poco loca

y a mi té le falta azúcar.

Maroon 5 -"Misery" (cover by Mia Rose)

2010-12-23T12:36:00.000-05:00

Why won't you answer me?
Your silence is slowly killing me.

Boy, you really got me bad,
and I'm gonna get you back,
I'm gonna get you back.

ViCtoria*

cara

2010-12-22T11:45:00.007-05:00

Up-close it's quite simple

I have zits, I have freckles,

my nose is greasy,

my eyebrows are uneven

But I like my face

From afar, you see

Somnolencia

2010-12-17T18:04:00.003-05:00

Se apachurró más,

presionó su cabeza contra su hombro izquierdo

y abrazó su brazo enclenque.

-¿Qué pasa? -le preguntó el hombre.

-No me quiero ir -respondió, cerrando los ojos.

-¿Por qué?

-Porque el mundo me da miedo.

-¿Y?

-...No quiero enfrentarlo sola.

You're not sick, but you're not well

2010-12-17T17:54:00.002-05:00

Estaba armando un rompecabezas y me acordé de ti.

Porque, puta madre, eres más complicado que yo.

Y me vuelve loca (más de lo que estoy).

Y, llámame pastrula,

pero creo que algún día lo armaremos juntos.

...Porque son mil quinientas piezas,

y voy juntando quince.

Force me to leave!

2010-12-14T21:03:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I have the urge to call you

Then I remember that you haven't called me back

Sometimes I want to see you

but I recall I have only seen you twice

Sometimes I feel I'm crazy

splitting love and sex,

but it's my life

And I feel rejected

I know it's not your fault

it's just how I am

I'm sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable

but I cannot lie, darling.

I miss looking at your eyes.

Enanitos Verdes - Por El Resto De Tus Días

2010-12-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

La Flaca - Jarabe de palo

2010-12-06T18:32:00.000-05:00

Mis respectos a la flaca.

Men?

2010-12-02T21:33:00.003-05:00

I would like to be Terezinha. To have men who really care about me. But, thinking about it, no one can save me. It'd be stupid to hope someone would take his/her time to "save" me from the nightmare I make out of my life. That cage that Lima represents.

I'm quite peculiar. I'm quite fat (sorry, I'm feeling like this right now).

I have crushes quite frequently. It's hard for me to let go of prince charming. That's why I posted Adele's "Make you feel my love". I kind of relate with the song and with the music video.

I... don't know. My house is a cage. I have to have dinner alone, as there is no one else I could eat with. No one accepts what I eat. No one understands I really need to expel energy somehow, everyday.

Darling, I know you can't save me. I'm sorry for being so demanding... It's just that I feel very, very alone.

ViCtoria*

Adele - 'Make You Feel My Love'

2010-12-02T00:15:00.000-05:00

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
and I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love
to make you feel my love

Too bad

2010-11-26T23:17:00.001-05:00

It's too bad you only saw my "good" side

'Cos here people are kind of sick of my other self.

Hell, I'm sick of this self.

Wanna trade?

Seldom events that may only take place online

2010-11-26T22:59:00.004-05:00

Those rare days when I'm feeling pretty

when I feel I should be alive

when I don't mind where I am

when I can walk instead of whine

Take me out

let's do something together

I won't play hard to get

But it's gonna be such a rare occasion

You won't get tired of it

It won't be odd

I like your style

How you divide

both things

as a little selfish guy

I hate this city

2010-11-24T23:04:00.001-05:00

And I shouldn't. I've called this place "home" for almost twenty years, but I hate it. Somehow, it's become a cage.

I would be able to ramble about how horrible this place is and how much I'd rather be somewhere else. My mother suffocates me, the transport system is dreadful, there's a lack of cultural diversity, I don't have as many friends as I thought...

When you are in Lima, you feel stagnant. People walk more slowly (like in any South American country). Everyone looks the same. Things are cheap, but customers are treated badly. It is heavily polluted, so the parks aren't nice. People aren't polite. You can't drink water from the tap (and I love drinking water... from the tap).

I know I have to finish three years of university before I can do my masters in the UK (that if I ever get enough money to leave), I know my eating habits got a bit worse while I was travelling because of my feelings of loneliness and that all my "support" group is here, eager to help... I know all of that. I know I have to be here, it's an obligation.

I wouldn't be here if I could, though. Because coming back is always so depressing. I'm not really glad to see my family again. I actually kinda dread that part. I just have like... two actual friends who talk to me often. But I don't feel the need to be here.

If I had all the money in the world, I'd go back to London for a while and do whatever. I'd find a part-time job at Starbuck's and work with people from all other parts of the world (I love travelling).

But I don't have the visa. I don't have enough cash. So I have to accept it. And accepting I need to be in the city I hate the most is... well, quite hard!

Today my eating patterns turned back to the routine. I binged like I would've two months ago. Maybe it was less than in the UK, maybe it was more, but thing is, I just felt like I was going backwards.

What should I do to hate it less? Is it possible to hate it less? Or should I just leave? Because, the two times I've been away for long (around six weeks per journey), the worst part was coming back.

Thoughts?

-V

Why do people have to walk so fucking slowly?

Welcome back

2010-11-23T03:03:00.002-05:00

I've met way too many people

I've seen too many places

I've felt many things in too little time

I had freedom

Money wasn't a concern (FINALLY)

...Let me dedicate just some space to the money thing. You see, I HATE money. But I know it's necessary nowadays. So, there, with all the money I had saved, I felt in heaven. I could spend it however I wanted, I could do whatever I pleased, buy as many shirts in as many colours as I wanted instead of picking one only, etc. I was in financial HEAVEN almost. Of course I was careful and tried to buy cheap stuff and didn't go to Selfridges to actually BUY something. And most of the time I bought my food at a Pret or in Sainsbury's.

...Anyway, I don't miss the weather! Well, I miss the wintery feeling, you know, of wearing anything on top of anything and cuddling yourself t keep warm.

I'm back in Lima with its HOT weather, its lack of cultural diversity, its horrible façade (the public transport sucks, the roads are ugly and the cars aren't nice), and all of its problems...

But I'm alright, I think. Because I just know I'll leave again at some point.

I loved the experience of being abroad. I really did. Doing whatever, spending whatever, not explaining anything to anyone, just caring about yourself. It was pretty good, in spite of my own problems.

I did miss my laptop, though. And the lack of rain. But I think that's it.

I'm back "home".

Don't judge me / Lima

2010-10-27T15:39:00.002-05:00

Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me 'cos it hurts...

*

My best friend told me he thinks there is no man I know that is good enough for me.
I kind of agree.
Even guys that are truly nice are not ready to handle me.
Not because I'm "too sexy for their love" or whatever. It's because I'm too dependant.
And I do think that, in a monogamous relationship, you can feel comfortable enough to spend as much as time you want with him/her. It's not just being friends or something like that. It's about trust, about talking for hours and kissing and fighting over stupid things and being all dorky and whatever.

I hadn't really thought much about it actually.
I guess I'm more into my Halloween costume (which I don't think I look too good in) than anything else.
I'm more focused in finding a fucking way to get out of Lima again, because home doesn't seem so nice at this point.
I love it here, I like this house. The fact that they don't bother me, 'cos I'm kind of renting the room, but are still up for chit chat when I feel like it.

I... don't know what I'm writing about, actually. As always, I'm talking a lot about me and nothing else. Because I'm too self-centered, such an egocentric, irresponsible child and whatever.

I hate it when people judge me. I hate it so much. They have no right to do so.

I've always been surrounded by people who like to see the worst in me.

But you know what? I'm sick about it. I don't need to talk with them, I don't need to let them know how I'm doing or whatever. I always end up harming myself in the end. And I don't deserve to be treated like bullshit.

I'm growing up, so just watch me.

Bite me.

Judging others

2010-10-26T16:39:00.004-05:00

Why do people judge me?
Why do they always make me feel I'm not ready for anything?
Why do people tell me I'm a child
if they know that will only make me think I'm like that?

Why do people tell me to grow up
but won't allow me to
because they take my decisions
and tell me I have no self-control?

Why do people say things like
"You're smart"
"And... pretty"
"And, well nice"
But nothing out of the ordinary?

Why don't people tell me the good things about me?
Instead of telling me I need to change
Why don't they show me the way?

Why do people think you must criticize others
for them to grow?
Why can't they just stand by
and watch me fall?

Why do you tell me I'm only this
and I have to get to that place
Why can't you let me see myself by myself
and choose the places I wanna reach?

*

Am I the only one
who thinks it's not good
to criticize someone else's life?

We're just observers
we cannot change other people.
The people must choose
by themselves
what the fuck it is they want to do with their lives.

Don't tell us what to do
"We don't need no education
we don't need no boss control."

I just need some love...

PS: And no, I don't believe that fucking crap of "Oooh, if I tell you this it's because I care about you." Fucking bullshit. If you cared about me you'd just watch me fall and, maybe, lend me a hand if I asked you. But not shove your hand down my throat and tell me "Vomit the fucking food ouuuut, you stupid, childish, worthless creature!"
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Fucking immature child.

...No. I'm not that. I'm way more than a child. I'm growing up, so just watch me go without saying a thing. Please. Just watch me go and don't make harsh remarks.

...Thank you.

To me and to you

2010-10-05T21:14:00.005-05:00

So I still have like 2/3 of a day left until my plane takes off to... Brazil. And then, I have to wait 4 hours to leave to Heathrow airport. From there, someone will pick me up and drive me to Bristol, which is around 2 1/2 hours away from London, and I'll meet my host family.

I know that I'm going somewhere safe. I know my eating disorder may make me grumpy and whatever, but I no longer have to be here, in Lima. "Lima la gris". I'll be faraway, with a different type of family, then on my own, seeing lots of cool places and stuff.

I won't have to suffer the torture that boredom encompasses, or fight with the people I love, or simply won't have to worry about surviving here...

But I'm gonna miss you, though. Even though I have only seen you 4 times in my whole life, and even though you think I'm just a silly little girl with so many little (or big?) illusions. I'm gonna miss you, and I'm sorry we didn't have the chance to talk more about you. Or about me. Or just talk.

...I know, I'm a silly little girl. How can I even assume you like me or if I even mean something more to you? I don't know what's going on in your life right now.

I would've wanted to know everything about you, to really know you, to help you heal your wounds... Some of them are self-inflicted, like mine. And maybe you could've helped me, too. But now it's too late. I'm leaving soon.

It's a shame you couldn't let go. Well, if you ever wanted to know more about me in the first place, but I doubt it, as you have been ignoring me for the past few days.

I know I'm too demanding. That can scare anyone away. Hopefully that personality trait won't be so visible while I'm in the UK. Hopefully, I won't binge. Hopefully, I'll actually check my academic opportunities and let you know about'em. Hopefully, you will think about me while I'm gone.

Because I'm gonna be thinking about you. Even if I'm surrounded by a thousand English boys.

Smiles,

ViCtoria~

Ana Free - Questions In My Mind :)

2010-10-03T11:44:00.002-05:00

Tell me why there are so many questions unanswered in my mind...

...You know who you are.

Jojo

2010-10-03T07:03:00.001-05:00

Pasé una noche súper agradable con mis amigos y...

(para variar)

mi mamá me gritó apenas se fueron.

Excusa: No te has abrigado, qué xuxa te pasa, te voy a cancelar el viaje a Inglaterra, carajo.

Razón: ¿Qué xuxa metes personas desconocidas a mi casa, wevón?

No hay forma.

No puedo disfrutar estar con mis amigos en mi casa :(

Besiño:

ViCtoria~

Mia sings Katy Perry - "Teenage Dream"

2010-09-30T10:15:00.000-05:00

Just because I'm SO addicted to this pretty stupid song... I've related Mia to Katy Perry.

...Yeah.

CHEERS!

ViCtoria~

Boyfriend

2010-09-29T20:28:00.006-05:00

So I was talking with a friend earlier today...

After two huge unnecessary binges, feeling uncomfortable as hell because I'm not gonna be able to go to the gym tomorrow and now drinking anise tea...

I realized I had forgotten some stuff to talk about.

My reflexes are too slow, I guess. I think way too slowly nowadays.

Anyway, why haven't I been in loooove? Why don't I consider the possiblity of having a love life?

1. I think it doesn't interest me much nowadays. But why?

I guess it's because I think about the other person, too.

Because, seriously, who would be able to handle me?

It's not that I'm complicated. Well, at least I don't think I am. (Or am I?)

2. I don't think a guy would be able to handle my mother. Because having a relationship means being involved with my mother, too. And that ain't gonna be an easy task.

3. I'm too much of a burden. I'm way too needy. I'll be calling the poor guy 24/7, saying I'm feeling like this or like that, or that I want to go somewhere and stuff. And the poor guy won't be able to reject me 'cos I'll always be too vulnerable. I will be too clingy and act all childishly. Because that is how I was raised.

4. I don't feel pretty. It's not only because I gained weight in parts of my body I DREAD, but it also relates with the fact that I've never known how to flirt or be attractive. And, having stomach problems doesn't make me the best match for a sex partner, to be honest.

5. I talked this with my cousin as well: I worry I'll be too fragile, too crystal-like, so the poor guy won't know how to deal with me and my problems. It'd be too much for him.

Seriously, who'd be able to handle me? Everyone has things on his/her plate, so... I'm not expecting anyone to help me with my own problems.

I guess I'm too much trouble, that's all:

-Stomach trouble.

-Psychologically unstable.

-Mother-dependant.

-With a low self-esteem.

...Such a doll! Right?

what's on my mind

2010-09-29T19:51:00.014-05:00

LET'S GO ALL THE WAY TONIIIIGHT!

...

YOU MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE I'M LIVING THE
TEE-NAGE DREAM.

...I can't believe I got addicted to this song. They play it WAY too often on the radio.

LET'S RUNAWAY AND DON'T EVER LOOK BAAAACK!

;) ;) ;)

...Okay, enough with the song.

And now I present you 3 texts I published a while ago in this blog. I still think the same way and hopefully you'll like'em.

LINKS:

1. To entertain you (hopefully)

2. I dare you

3. Some truth about myself (and men)

Cheers,

ViCtoria~

Bits and pieces of my soul

2010-09-22T22:17:00.003-05:00

Covering what's on my mind.

(I don't really like love songs)

Your hand is of no help.

2010-09-19T14:37:00.002-05:00

And when things are going fine
And everything seems to be improving
Don't you start crying
all of a sudden
as well?

You stop moving
for days
you stop caring
for yourself
it's hard to pick yourself up
from your bed.

You hear people screaming at you
they are trying to wake you up
but you no longer care.

That's me 1/12 of every single day
Shattered
Suicidal
Keen to cutting
Feeling that everything should end.

Panza de burro

2010-09-13T13:35:00.002-05:00

Me gustan los señores viejitos con cara triste y chompa de lana marrón.
Me gusta ver a los ciclistas y corredores que van por Salaverry o el Malecón.
Me gusta cuando el cielo gotea y todos dicen que está lloviendo.
Cuando te llaman y hacen una larga introducción.

Es horrible cuando susurran, hablan entre dientes.
Cuando maltratan al cobrador.
Ámbar es acelerar y matar al peatón.
Muchos días son grises y el sol humedece las superficies.
El servicio es pésimo y muchas señoras reniegan,
se ven feas con el ceño fruncido, creen desafiarte.
Y su voz es nasal, conformista
como su vida vacía, simplista.

Señor frutero, usted es buena gente.
Pero al del kiosco está rayada.
Se hace riñas imaginarias con Chile,
se queja por un sol más en su salchipapa.

Así es, viejitos de cara triste:
Lima es gris, la gente miente.
Nunca hay caras sonrientes.

* * *

Anexo personal:

Me das ganas de llora cuando no hay sol
Cuando los extraños me maltratan
Y las combis me quieren atropellar
Además de tu mala nutrición
y los niños pobres por montón.
Apestas, Lima.
Púdrete.
(U suck. Lol.)

I can't read anymore

2010-09-09T22:55:00.002-05:00

I'm half alive.
I haven't really been trying.
No goals, no desire.
I'm walking different paths.
All paths at once.
Slowly dying.

Soon I'm gonna have
a bleeding ulcer
lazy bowels
a bloated stomach
a puffy face
and no love for myself.

I'll be nothing
Buried in shame
Buried in papers
and food thoughts.

I can't do this anymore.
It's easy, it's comfortable
Isolation
Being too full to move.
Pleasing you and everyone else.

Watching TV
Looking at the gray sky
Thinking about food
Instead of my possibilities

I wish many things
Ballet, singing
I no longer write.

I don't wanna study.
I want to find myself,
again.

"Hey, how are you?"
"Well, I'm shaking.
How about you?"

Inspired by God

2010-09-09T22:37:00.002-05:00

Whenever I listen to Whatever

I get flashes from the past.

I was bored, bubbly

we were talking

and it could've been something

but things just have to Fade Away.

Things came up

Eating Disorders

Work

College.

Accepting that we were

Half The World Away's

been hard.

I fell.

You kept walking.

And I don't blame you.

You now have a good life.

A great life.

Without me.

You weren't able to help

'Cos I'm always falling.

Things are better for me.

Now.

But I still think...

That we're destined for each other.

...You Idiot.

Fall from grace

2010-09-01T17:42:00.008-05:00

Teenage girl,

full of promises.

"You'll do great at college",

"She's gonna conquer the world",

"You're so incredibly smart".

College was too easy;

I got my nose done (frivolous much?)

Stomach pains,

I developed an eating disorder.

I left college,

I struggle everyday

To socialize

To be okay, to recover.

I still don't know what I'll do after the compulsions are gone.

I don't know if you'll ever stop pushing me, pressuring me.

So what would you say,

if you knew me from school,

if you knew me from the past

and you saw me now?

"Poor dear girl:

she was full of promises

what a pity;

a grand fall from grace."

Crushing dead leaves

2010-07-27T23:03:00.001-05:00

I'm walking around home
Feeling safe, used to this place
Trying to keep an eye on the road

Can't listen to music
I'm focusing on my dog
Eat eat eat
Oh god, you're just like me

But then we find a park
You smell, I'm aware
That they have fallen

Crushing dead leaves
Is like popping bubbles
But crispy, organic and wild

Food, poo, anxiety, thirst
Relax, doggy
Let me crush some more dead leaves
Can't your paws feel it?

geoambientales

2010-07-27T20:24:00.006-05:00

Oasis - Live forever

Cada vez que la escucho, me concentro y siento lo que sentía en mi primer ciclo de universidad, me acuerdo de mi amiga Mage :) *hearts*

ViCtoria~

PS: I apologize for the childish drawing; I'm left handed, but I use my right hand when I'm on my computer!

I want to know how to float everyday

2010-07-25T22:45:00.001-05:00

If I could die...
I'd be free.
I wouldn't have to eat.
I wouldn't have a body.
I wouldn't have a mother.
My dog wouldn't be sick.
I'd... just... float. With no material longings.
No feelings of love or self-hatred.
I'd simply be... alone.
Floating. Forever.

Sunrays all around me.
No foggy days.
No counting the days at all.
Just... light.
No words. No "bad stuff".
Just me. Alone. No mother, no home.

Nunca me gusta admitirlo

2010-07-19T21:39:00.004-05:00

Pero en las noches siempre me siento hecha mierda. Mi estómago está hinchadísimo, me molesta todo el cuerpo por los kilos de más y no tengo ganas de hacer nada para el día siguiente. No tengo ganas de hablar con mi mamá, y si entro a algún IM (sea Skype, Msn o Gtalk), digo que estoy "bien". Pero la verdad estoy bien en la mierda. Me siento estresada, mi cuerpo se queja (algo que no desaparece por días, la hinchazón, los problemas de estómago, las ganas de no comer, todo dura más que dos o tres días y es un infierno), ya no quiero salir...

Es una espiral. No puedo estar tranquila en mi casa. No sé por qué me pongo tan incómoda. Es tan difícil controlarme acá.

Pero pongo la cara bonita, digo que todo está "bien" a la gente a mi alrededor, sea dentro de casa o por teléfono o a través de la laptop. Pongo la cara bonita y digo que estoy mejorando, que por el momento estoy un poco ida pero ya estaré súper bien en unas horas. Cuando en realidad estoy bieeen en la mierda. Bien hinchada. Bien sin ganas de hacer nada por días de días de días...

Detesto que sea de noche. Apago mi mente porque no quiero que vengan esos pensamientos negativos. No puedo apagar mi cuerpo porque tiene que funcionar, tiene que digerir el montón de cosas que trago, y me siento bien en la mierda.

Les digo a los demás que sean optimistas, que la vida es bonita, pero en las noches mi vida es una mierda. Me siento tan mal del estómago, y sé que va a durar y a ocasionar que me ponga ansiosa porque mi cuerpo no se desinfla (water retention, trapped gas and that kind of icky stuff)...

Y simplemente sigo enchufada a ver cosas tontas por Youtube. Porque me duele tanto todo, y sigue así tantos días, que no puedo echarme ni pararme ni caminar. Sólo puedo estar sentada, estática.

Bien en la mierda en verdad.
ViCtoria~

UK, here I come!

2010-07-10T21:40:00.003-05:00

I'm making it public: I'm travelling to the United Kingdom on October and November of this year. And I couldn't be more excited.

Studying at a British school during my childhood and teenage years has definitely given me high expectations of what I wanna do during my life, and has definitely set the UK as a place I MUST visit. The fact that my father told me he wanted to send me to Oxford or Cambridge uni to study didn't do much but increase my desire to go there. And now my dream is coming true!

I don't know how I convinced my mother, but I know I just did. I'll be studying in Bristol for 4 weeks and then I'll be off to explore the rest of the country. I'll almost be backpacking, and I'm terribly scared, to be honest. I'm searching through Webpages of youth hostels and even Couch Surfing to see if I can meet people beforehand to ensure I have the most amazing experience ever.

I definitely wanna see London, Oxford, Cambridge, Sheffield (Yorkshire), Manchester and maybe even Liverpool and Kent if I have the time (and plenty of money). I want to see everything, really. I want this to be the best trip ever.

Taking psychotropics and having a raging eating disorder is not easy. My mother is really worried about all of this, and I am, too. Will I binge when I find myself alone? What if I lose the money? What if I can't get from one place to another? What if I can't find anyone to host me or take me to some nice tourist attractions? What if, what if, what if?

"There are still 2 months left", I tell myself breathing out after a huge horrible binge due to my anxiety for the trip. I feel even more anxious than before. I want to try fish & chips, but will my stomach be ready to eat it?

...I don't know. I don't know a thing about money issues and stuff. I'm still searching... for stuff.

I'm so excited, nervous and anxious, all at the same time. I can't believe I'm finally going. To the place I've always wanted to go to.

Finally, one of my biggest dreams is coming true :)

Victoria~

Hollow

2010-06-23T08:43:00.005-05:00

It has come to my mind that, lately, I haven't been doing any reading or writing of my own. Because, frankly, all I think about sometimes is food. And a bit of exercise.

It doesn't affect me that much anymore, though. Waking up feeling bloated and horrible, being terribly anxious every single night and eating everything in sight... It's just not pretty.

I spend most of my days watching Glee re-runs or Youtube vlogs (the vlogbrothers are amazing). I see my cousin sometimes. I go to theatre lessons, I take ballet and swimming lessons as well some days a week. But it isn't enough to fill the void I have.

I think I wanted to perform when I was very little. I said: "I want to be an actress". But... meh, I only like musicals, I don't like films or theatre that much, really. I said that when I was really little, of course, like... four.

Then I wanted to be a writer. And I don't know if that dream has entirely vanished. I mean... That's not what I spend doing all day now that I free. And I feel that's what I should be doing now that I have nothing to do, at all. And I'm not reading either. I have this idea that, after I eat, I can't do anything for the next hour to let things "digest". But then, also, I spend all of my time watching videos and surpass that one hour limit. (I just can't get enough Glee or Vlogbrothers, they are made of awesome).

Meh, I have a pretty good life. You know, I have a roof, I have my lovely pets, a (way too) caring mother, a great team behind me (my therapist and my psychiatrist, obviously). But I still feel... the urge.

I don't think it's ALL my mother's fault. I recognize I'm also anxious by nature and stuff, you know. And I know I need to speed up the "This is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life" answer.

But doing nothing is comfortable. Binge eating is a way to comfort myself as well. From my overbearing mother, from my bloatedness (counter intuitive, I know), from distress, from having a social life... From everything.

I can't even read a book in Spanish anymore. That's weird. Maybe I should really consider studying in an English-speaking country. Or else I'll die or something.

Cheers,

ViCtoria~

DC4C - Your Heart is an Empty Room

2010-06-13T23:31:00.001-05:00

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see
Is where else you could be
When you're at home
Out on the street
Are so many possibilities
To not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
And you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
'Cause you knew you were finally free

...