Love problems, what are those?

For a good part of my life, I didn't think too much about "love". I thought it was something that would eventually arrive after I'd done all my growing up. I didn't understand why people made such a fuss about finding the one.

I'm still not an adult. I know, I'm 22, I should be an adult by now, I'm physically mature and all that jazz. But I can't afford things on my own and I'm still doing my undergrad at uni, without any scholarships or external funding. I'm emotionally unstable. So, I'm still not an adult. However, I have a steady partner. And I still don't get the fuss over love.

Yes, my life is much different than how it was before my relationship. Yes, I didn't have anyone to talk to every night, I didn't know what it was to cuddle or have only one sex partner. These things are great. We don't even have petty arguments. He doesn't mind that I fart, I don't mind that he does.

My guess is that life was too hard on me to give me "love problems". Love hasn't given me any solutions, but no more issues than those I already have. Life would be a bitch if love was another thing that depressed me. So thank you, life. I would still like to stop breathing, but it's not because of love.

Can you feel it?

I want to claw my fingers on your back
and hit you as many times as I can;
I want you to feel what I’m feeling right now.

You think this is hard on you
oh darling, you’re so naive
to believe this only hurts you.

You made your choice, no options given;
no second chance,
no compromise.

And you want me to see?

Don’t expect me to understand
because I won’t nod, nor smile:
I can’t demean myself to that.

Not a haiku

Maybe I

asked you all those things

because I thought you were

pretty

rad.

But then I realized

you were just as idiotic
as the other
ones.

Wrinkles

She was on top of me, using her hands to cover me with water. Mine were resting on the sides of her back. There were no bubbles left, so if anyone opened the bathroom door they'd think we were fucking underwater.

But that's not what we were doing. Hell, our genitals weren't even touching. We were making up for lost time; for all the "Wish you were here"'s and "I miss you"'s, for all the "I love you but"'s and "We have to reschedule"'s. We were making amends.

She kissed my forehead, dripping water all over me. I laughed: her hair tickled my face and my neck. She kept on kissing me and we held hands. That's when I noticed our wrinkly fingers.

I thought I wouldn't mind doing these things with this person for all the decades I had left.

Overwhelming sadness

The sadness overwhelms me at night time, no matter what emotion I was feeling before.
Things aren't as good as you expect them to be.
Money is still a major obstacle to all my goals in life.
Past regrets. Worrying about the near future.
Why? Because you are incapable of doing more than one chore per day. You irresponsible, fatigued, egotistic human being.
When the love is gone, what will you have in common? Nothing.

I'm sorry I'm so sleepy and sad.

Giving up.

I have to give up
the stupid dream of
us ending up
together
forever.

Because it won't
happen soon
and it's ruining
how I feel about
you
now.

But,
as always,
I can't stand
what we are
or who I am
right now.

Tea shop

I wake up and see you sleeping next to me, your arms around me since yesterday night. I kiss you good morning and urge you to stay in bed. I go to the bathroom and wash my face with Dove soap, drink some cold water. I scratch my head with both hands, that's always felt good. The dog has followed me to the bathroom and he's wagging his tail. I give him some water, too. I try to "go" and let that redefine my day.

I go back to bed and kiss you all over. You wake up all grumpy because it's a long commute to work and you won't be back soon. I run to the kitchen to make you and the dog some breakfast, we kiss goodbye. I eat something, too, and prepare for the day ahead.

I open the laptop, the notebook, check my e-mails, my past thoughts. I do my to-do list for the day while the dog demands attention. I pet him with my foot. I have an e-mail from an old friend, I remind myself to reply to her later. Then I go to the shop and warm what I baked yesterday. The assistant is already there, yawning. It was a long night for her. We open the shop and some people come in. We talk for a little bit; they're Donna and Rico, they come here often.

Things get busy as lunch time approaches and I barely had time to talk to you on the phone. I unwind for a while by walking the dog, although if it's raining he'll have to wait until you come back home. I go back in, take my laptop to the shop and check again.

It's almost 7, I remind the second assistant to kick out anyone after 9. It was a busy day and I had to be there. Sometimes I'm only there in the mornings and then I go see my friends or to my dance lessons. But today I just felt like staying home and helping out. It's also my turn to make dinner, so I'd rather have more time.

You come back home in time as it was an uneventful day. We kiss hello and the dog wags his tail. We eat while watching the latest episode of Doctor Who. You tell me I'm perfect and I simply smile while caressing the head of your penis. It's been a long day, but we still have to plan our trip to Bordeaux on the weekend. You undress me and the day starts again.

Tumour

I poke it, even though it hurts you
and the smell of necrosis is killing my lungs.
I look inside, stretch it out.
You moan uncomfortably
while I get something out.

I get dizzy from the smell
Maybe you do, too.
And that's why you're so embarrassed.

But you trust me,
I can do no wrong
so you fall asleep
as I hold you close.

Rest of my life

I want to sleep next to you every night
No need to cuddle, perhaps hold hands
I want the possibility of touching your arm
And I know you want to kiss me good night.

I promise I will laugh if you fart
I even want our cat to make you mad
and meow at you in the middle of the night.

You can wake up in full morning glory
And ask me to help you if you like
You can do whatever you fancy
As long as I can stay by your side.

I want to sleep next to you for the rest of my life.

Still pushing

Why do we keep on pushing?
Why do we keep on fighting?

It's not such an "o wonderful" life.
It's more like someone procreates and then you die.

What if you don't want to procreate?
What if you don't want to be part of a family unit?
Would you still be part of the circle of life?

Maybe we are really waste in space,
tiny dots in this sublime universe
of infinite things that don't make sense.

I don't know why I keep pushing
every fucking day, living,
when I could easily drown myself
Because life is not so beautiful.

Stomach

All I ask for is to live without this

without body insecurities

or feeling out of control when I'm sugar high.

I don't want to be like Kurt Cobain

with a thousand stomach problems

who eventually shot himself

because he couldn't bear it.

I want to eat stuff without being bloated

Stop being scared of certain foods

And munch away, like so many do.

New year, new expectations

I should update this blog more frequently. I hope I can keep it forever. It's very poetic and personal, not at all but all at once.

So many things have changed this year! I don't know where to start, but oh wow, 2012 is almost over! I've even bought gifts for Christmas, which is HUGE for me! :P I still need to buy a couple more, but it's okay.

So first things first: I switched majors. I'm in the Humanities faculty at college now, and I'm very happy about my decision. Second, my eating disorder behaviours have subsided quite a lot, although my depression has deteriorated my all around mental health (I stopped going to therapy, although I'm still on medication...)
Third, my relationship with my mum has improved immensely. It's so much healthier now, so much better. I feel closer to her, like how we were before all the "bad" took place in our lives.
I also had a full-time job at the start of the year. I quit a couple of months afterwards and now I'm a RA, doing transcripts for an amazing boss and feeling good about earning some my own money for the first time ever. It won't solve the whole money situation I always have, but my everyday is taken care of by myself. Yay.
I've made so many more friends. I feel comfortable at college, for the first time in a long time. I feel I have people I can hang out with, people whom I consider my "career mates", as well as other friends I'm so close to now.

I only hope I make the right decisions this summer. I want to do better, be better, feel better. I'm still doing ballet, some yoga, I got an elliptical (yay! It's something I've wanted since I was like 14 years old, so almost a decade)... I want to read again, I miss it so much. Although my boyfriend helps me prevent boredom most of the time.

Above all, I hope I'm not getting a cold because my throat is itchy and I wanna go to ballet class tomorrow!