Just saying

How can you expect me to study when I've been complaining about leaving college for the last four months? Seriously, my mind has been wandering on other things like awful, awful IBS, binge eating, translation, developing hatred towards Christian theology, etc. I mean... No, I'm not bipolar! I can't complain and then study.

*Sigh*... Just saying!

Now I'm off to read about Peru. Rawr.

ViCtoria~

Announcement

I'll be offline these next couple of days. So if I don't reply to e-mails, comments or visit your blogs, don't panic :P I'm recovering from Internet addiction, lol.

If I have your cell phones, I'll bug your lifes through there.

EDIT (Last one in days, hopefully) - (Extracted from Google Notebook. Without editing, again!)

"I wanna be like the phoenix. I wanna be sedated. Okay, no. I want a rebirth, to change myself completely. Volver a nacer. Erase the past, stop looking at the near future and accept everything as it is. Fly above the world and laugh at little minds that think they know, but really don't. Like at all.

I want to be a phoenix. Rise from the ashes. And breathe life, once more."

Edit 2: OKAY LAST ONE, haha. It's Mia Rose, a short little update! Final note, TM is a meanie and she's now back, after a 2 year long contract that wasn't good for her. Hmm, I dunno why I like her so much, maybe I aspire to be like her?

Most probably.

Love!,
ViCtoria

I'm the one...

i'm the one...
Originally uploaded by post it note confession

By post it note confession (on Flickr). I just felt totally related. If you can, browse through her notes, some are funny. Some not quite so!

Smiles!
ViCtoria~

I woke up feeling old

I know I still haven't found
that silly little thing
that will tickle me within
and make me say "Yeah, this is life"
And I'll sing all day until my lungs dry out
I'll laugh all night simply because I can
I'll watch the sunrise while running around
and stroke my cat, give myself a bath.
Because life will be good
it will be fine, and I will shine.
I swear, goodness, I will shine.

PS: El título nació de la canción que posteaste, Andrea (:
PSS: Written in less than 2 minutes. I didn't edit it. Like at all. So it may be a piece of art. But it also may be crap *

Hermanos Yaipen

Yo cumplo ;). ¡Qué canción para odiosa, EN SERIO! Hay cosas que no tienen sentido, qué verguenza haberla traducido. ¡Todo sea por el interés cultural!

"Ojalá que te mueras" - Hermanos Yaipen

I wish you died
that the Earth opened
that you fell inside
and that everybody forgot you
I wish they'd close you heaven's doors
and that everyone humiliated you
that your soul filled with sorrow
and that it hurt a lot
where they hurt you the most

I wish you died
that your soul went to hell
and that your weeping became everlasting
I wish you suffered from cheating on me
even when I loved you so
that thorns spiked your heart
if you still have something

I wish it'd be a torment
to remember me
if you ever do so
I wish the pain were so bad
that you asked for forgiveness
that it became so unbearable

I wish you died
that your world were forgotten
I know I shouldn't hate you
but it's impossible to try and forgive
what you did with me

I wish you died
that all your world ended up hollow
I wish that a tear of weeping
even burnt your soul
I wish you didn't find calmness
I WISH YOU DIED.

Mr Shaw

Just remembered something really funny I told Mr Shaw, my favourite teacher in the woooorld, when I was back at high school. I wanted to go to Argentina for a leadership conference, so we IB One students were kind of competing to be accepted. At the end of the "interview", this happened:

Q: And why do you think you should go to Argentina and not the others, Ms Maravi?
A: Because... [pause] Uhm... [Mr Shaw raises his eyebrows] Because... you'll be hearing from me soon. :).

Laughter, handshake, I left the classroom.

Wonder if that answer will come true?

And yes, I can be self-obsessed. Sometimes, only sometimes :P.

Smiles!
ViCtoria

How it feels now

-I'm glad I no longer binge every single day or every two days.
-I had forgotten how liberating it was to eat something without reminding myself of the approximate amount of calories each food item had.
-It's great to eat something extra shamelessly instead of thinking about the amount of food I won't eat in my next meal.
-It seems so long ago when I restricted what I ate and felt I was doing good to myself.
-It's great having a big breakfast instead of one that can only have 300 calories or, in excess, 500 calories.
-It's funny how I look at other people now, not thinking I'm superior to them because I eat "healthier" food.
-It would be so strange to hear someone saying "I ate a burger!" and pity him/her in my mind. Why did I ever do that?
-And it's so weird to remember how I jogged a few extra minutes if I had eaten something that was "too heavy" the day before.
-And it's soooo amazing, eating carbs without feeling guilty!
-Did I really skip my mid-morning and mid-afternoon meals because I had eaten too much at breakfast or lunch? Was I really that oblivious of what was happening to me?

-Finally: it's even better, being able to write about this without feeling ashamed :).

Love and smiles,
ViCtoria~

PS: I can finally tag something more as "PAST". I'm so glad.

Signs

I don't deserve to be treated this way

But I don't know how to react when you look at me like that. I just freeze in time, unable to say a thing. Why do you shout at me?

Maybe I do deserve to be like this. Maybe I do deserve the scolding. Maybe I'm not good enough. I don't try hard enough for my studies, I need to see a therapist continuously, I'm never energetic... I'm not good enough.

I do deserve it.

And I remember all those times when I contemplated death during my middle adolescence, and the plan I had then doesn't sound so bad anymore.

I never make things easy for you. I'm impossible to deal with. I'm moody, I procrastinate, I binge, I don't do some things you ask me to do.

I'm sorry you gave birth to me.


PS: Written when I was really, really frustrated.

Algunos pueden decir / Some might say

[Piece of "The book of boredom", a pseudo-novel I was working on last year]

Pelos de seda gris, ojos como jeroglíficos. ¿Te preguntarás qué me hace mal? Caminas galante, sensual, sin dirigirme palabra, y en eso te percatas de mi compostura: mata de cabellos negros, color ‘hepatítico’ en posición fetal. “El sol ya salió, ¿por qué no te levantas?” me cuestionas con la mirada. Me acurruco más bajo las sábanas, y frunzo el ceño, abrumada. Y poco a poco te acercas a mi almohada, masticas mis llagas y te frotas en mi piel. “Qué importa el sol”, susurras y acomodas tu cuerpo bestial entre mis piernas.
Y trato de escuchar tu delicioso ronroneo, pero no puedo. No puedo.

Silky grey hair, eyes like hieroglyphics. Do you wonder what is wrong with me? You walk like a gentleman, sensual, without muttering a word, and then you realise how I am: a bunch of black hair, hepatitis-like colour in foetal position. “The sun is out, why won’t you get up?” you question me with your stare. I shrink under the sheets and frown, confused. And little by little you get near my pillow, chew my wounds and rub yourself against my skin. “The sun is not important”, you whisper and accommodate your bestial body between my legs.
And I try to listen to your delicious purring, but I can’t. I just can’t.

Lee un poema. Y otro más, y otro más. La silla con rueditas mira hacia la ventana y la sostiene sin esfuerzo; cincuenta kilogramos de masa floja, indispuesta a mirar al sol.
Tiene sueño y no está sola, pero le gusta pensar que sí.
¡Y no hay, no hay! La autora se saltó su etapa, aquella que sólo se menciona en libros de autoayuda o como vagos recuerdos durante la adultez. El estúpido descubrimiento alimenta su soledad.
Sigue en pijamas, con una fuerte taza de café tibio sobre el escritorio. Y sabe que debería estudiar, pero ese simplemente no es el día. No se ha bañado ni ha salido a correr. Hoy, un tranquilo feriado, le pareció adecuado sentirse miserable.
El sol y la luna alternan posición, pero ella sigue ahí, mirando la pared. Los ojos del perro de Hush Puppies quieren distraerla. “Ven, ven a jugar.”
Y corre una gota salada por su mejilla izquierda. Todo, todo por esa maldita frase que ha colgado y que no logra cumplir. Vuelve a la cama, donde el gato grisáceo la espera.
Y el ciclo se repite.

“Sé el cambio que deseas ver en el mundo”.- Mohandas Gandhi

She reads a poem. And another, and another one. The wheelchair is facing the window and effortlessly supports her; fifty kilograms of lazy mass, unwilling to look at the sun.
She is sleepy and not alone, but she likes to think she is.
And nothing, nothing! The author skipped her stage, the one that is only mentioned in self-help books or like blurry memories during adulthood. The stupid discovery feeds her solitude.
She is still on her pajamas, with a cup of warm coffee on the desk. And she knows that she should study, but it is simply not the day. She has not showered or went out jogging. Today, a quiet holiday, she thought it was adequate to feel miserable.
The sun and the moon switch places, but she remains there, looking at the wall. The eyes of the Hush Puppies dog try to distract her. “Come, come and play.”
And a salty drop runs across her left cheek. All, all of it due to that damned sentence she hung up and is unable to fulfill. She goes back to bed, where the gray cat awaits.
And the cycle repeats.

“Be the change you want to see in the world”.- Mohandas Gandhi

Clarifying

EATING DISORDERS:
-No, an eating disorder does not suddenly appear and disappear. It takes a matter of months, even years, to evolve.
-Guilt is one of the main signs that show someone may have an eating disorder.
-In the case of binge eating, the binging has to take place at least twice or thrice a week in the period of at least four months, according to psychologists.
-In the case of orthorexia, patients are continuously talking about healthy eating and feel guilty if they indulge in not-so-healthy meals.
-No, you can't snap out of it easily. It's an addiction: "Just quit smoking" or "Stop cutting your wrists" doesn't work. It works much less with a disorder related with something you have to face everyday (food!)

GENERATIONAL MUTILATION:
A few hours ago, I was talking about youth today with a friend. I had been thinking about a Sociology paper I read last year, that mentioned how youth nowadays express how they view the world through the means of self-mutilation. With this I mean self-mutilation in many ways, such as eating disorders, drug abuse, cutting, etc. Thinking about the progress of mankind or humanitarianism, things that were important a few decades ago, no longer interest us. I like working in the volunteering org I'm in right now, it's true, but I know for a fact that I do it because I get to see my friends. On a daily basis, however, I'm like others: I know about the latest Hollywood gossip, maybe get hooked with a music band and talk about songs all day long, or maybe become a big fan of a TV series and watch all the episodes online. But there's no hidden message in what I do; no desire of a revolution.

"The world is so fucked up I'd rather kill myself." That's basically what most people are saying through their actions.

*Sigh* Depressing post, I know :P I just wanted to figure out some issues.

To all youth out there: eat when you have to. Eat as fuel. Stop thinking about food. And, above all, don't cut yourself.

ViCtoria~

Link: http://zenhabits.net/2009/06/its-time-for-a-new-relationship-with-food/

PS: It's obvious I try to be as open as possible about myself. Through this blog, people can know many things about me. I almost fell prey of an eating disorder, I've suffered from mild depression, I'm a writer, I would like to experiment on love (which may imply seeing other women as cool as moi :P), etc. So yeah, just wanted to say this once and for all!
PSS: I don't edit what I write. Much. So my arguments are feeble!

College vs. the unknown

Our long-term goals may change. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a sociologist. I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to translate things. What do I want to do now?

Trying to improve ourselves, we may develop bad habits. In my case it's been binge eating. I have to clarify: an eating disorder occurs over a long period of time. The binger feels guilty after eating, and probably eats until he / she is more than full a couple of times a week or every day (maybe several times per day).

So yeah, I have a problem with food. Darn I hate living in Peru. I should live somewhere where food is not that important, seriously. Maybe with the kalahari or something. Whatever. All I know is that it's a stress-related problem, and I get all anxious because I don't know if I should stay at college or not.

If I stay at college, I will: A) Get a decent degree. B) Learn interesting things. C) Suffer sometimes, like fall in deep procrastination. D) Get depressed and question why I should keep going to a place that gives me pain.

If I leave college, I will: A) Not get a degree and consequently lose respect in today's society. B) Definitely handle my eating problem better. C) Have more time to do the things I like (reading, ballet, French, etc). D) Maybe study translation. I mean, I will be in a hiatus of sorts. E) Not be able to study at a fancy place like Oxford or Yale.

What should I choose? A degree, learning and depression? Or no fancy future, being at limbo and calmness?

Society thinks that I should stay at college. I know that I should stay there and study translation afterwards. But if I stay, my eating problem will still be hard to handle. I mean, emotional eating and IBS, hello? I'll suffer and won't do my best if I stay, but I know that I should stay. I will procrastinate and feel guilty because I actually don't feel guilty about not doing my homework. And then I will binge because I'll feel incredibly depressed.

Yes, people, I know I should stay. But I also know that if I stay, I won't get top grades. I will procrastinate, flunk classes and do anything but study. I won't do my best. I won't, I won't, I won't. And I'll get bad grades, and maybe get a bit sad and question myself again...

So why keep going to a place that won't make me reach my "full potential", as some say? I won't study hard or take full advantage of college, I know that. I'll be like "Huh, interesting subject and random set of facts", then will leave class and do something else. I'll probably end up binging because I'll be avoiding the "Omg I'm still at PUCP, dammit" thought trying to reach me. I'm already doing that this semester, and things may get worse. And don't say I will do well as usual, because my marks are slowly decaying nowadays.

Should I stay at college and obtain a degree like an average joe? Instead of doing something else and 'graduating' from life with flying colours?

What should I do?! (Lol, I know I've asked that to myself dozens of times these past few months! But it's the question that is stuck to my head and will probably remain for a looong time!)

Love,
ViCtoria~